So the other day, friends and I were exchanging wild sex stories and I said “Oh jeez. I have something to tell you guys.” One of my friends said “What? Stranger on the subway?” I sheepishly grinned. “Yeeaah kinda.”
Here is that story:
So I was on the train home from a weekend bender with some friends, and I saw this hot dude. He was hot. Older, but hot. We made eyes and then it turned out we were getting off at the same train stop! “Do I know you?” I asked. “Maybe…where do you live?”
It turns out I live a block from “where he grew up”. Turns out his house was on the corner where my bus stop was for elementary school. Turns out his mom came out and said hi to me and my brother sometimes. Turns out she gave me special extra-good Halloween candy when I trick-or-treated at her house.
We chatted about why we were both turning in early on a Saturday night—it was around 9pm. He was just in town for the week visiting his parents who actually were gone that evening visiting his sister in Arizona. He had to come home to let his dog out and I had no real excuse. I assured him our neighborhood still had some happening stuff going on. Eventually this conversation led to exchanging numbers and agreeing to go out to some bars after taking care of our business at our homes.
We ended up going to the fucking creepiest bars in the neighborhood. Blah blah blah we chatted and he is talking about all this stuff he’s done, like living in Russia…TWICE, and going to all these schools and jobs, so I’m really getting the idea he must be kind of older. At one point I looked at his ID. HE WAS BORN IN 1974.
I AM NO MATH MAJOR SO THAT DIDNT MEAN ANYTHING TO ME RIGHT AWAY BESIDES HELLA OLD.
So we finished doing our drinking and I’m all slutty like “Oh I want to meet your dog.”
We walked back to his place making out the whole way and I was sick of not knowing math so I was like “Wait so how old are you?” “37.” «<37»>
i played it cool but really i was like LOL WTF OMG UR OLD. like remember how i said my bus stop was on his corner? yeah well he was already 24 when this was happening. awesome. I made him guess how old he thought I was. “24.” “LOLOLOL NOPE.” Him making out with me right then was like me making out with a 5-year-old.
Anyways, we kept making progress to his house at a glacial pace because we made out a whole bunch. We made it to his house and I really did want to pet his dog for a while because it was so cute. But then we did the sex for like EVER. Including on the back porch which is on a fairly busy intersection for a residential area. Something that is the best about guys who are older is that they are completely thrilled about giving oral sex. Younger dudes are like “Eww that’s gross, I’m a total fucking tool.”
Some point later I woke up (WHEN DID I FALL ASLEEP?) and was like OMG ITS 6am. So I found my clothes and walked the block back to my house. Oops.
this guy was a total fucking mistake. i was “torn up inside” or whatever over my relationship ending. (ALSO: LITERALLY TORN UP INSIDE BECAUSE MY HYMEN WAS BROKEN) So basically it was one of those “is it in?” situations. But before the sex part we were making out, duh. and i was talking about how i had on the best silky smooth underwear ever from House of Dereon, Beyonce’s clothing line. and immediately this trick starts SHHH-ING ME. HOW DARE YOU? DONT SHOOSH ME UNLESS IT IS TO BE ROMANTIC “DONT SAY A WORD” TYPE SHIT. but there he went ‘shhh. i have a thing about beyonce. dont talk about her.”
WHAT? YOU HAVE A THING ABOUT BEYONCE? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
then he stuck his tiny weenie in my vag and i hated myself. but at least it is ok material for this blog.
I once boned a guy who was rough as shit. he also developed some sort of weird dandy british accent when he was sticking it in me. it was like having sex with a really aggressive austin powers.
he gave me this nasty ass bruise the size of a dill pickle on the inside of my thigh because he bit my thigh while he was licking my vagina. i mean, it was great. but it was weird having that bruise.
i ended up staying at his place really late and then making him drive me home. we listened to sugar ray for the entire drive.